Incubus
by Aquarius Princess
Summary: Slightly AU. Before the wedding, Sebastian makes an offer to Hawke. He gives her permission to get all sexual desires out of her body before beginning her chaste marriage. When Hawke choses Anders, her closet admirer, things get complicated.
1. Self Amusement

Her name was Virginia, but no one would dare call her that. Not even family members. She preferred to be called Hawke. It was her surname. She said that it was strong name and showed her for what she was. She was a strong and passionate warrior that followed in her father's steps despite her lack of magical talent. The name 'Virginia' was something she would wrinkle her nose at. She said that it showed nothing to portray who she was. Isabela was the one to make the obvious joke about the 'virgin' in 'Virginia'. Hawke made no comment on it except for a small smile. Isabela was a bright creature under the large breasts and earrings.

Back in Lothering, Hawke had a passionate relationship with a man twice her age and married. The only one who knew about it was Bethany, who always disapproved of it. Even though Hawke was the elder sister, Bethany still mothered her and acted as her conscience. Hawke ignored this scolding and went after this married man. She was a silly girl and was entranced by him. He was good looking despite his age and Hawke needed an older man in her life to replace her father who had died a few years before.

And Hawke stayed and listened as he made promises of taking her away from Lothering and putting her in place of his wife. Hawke would have chased him into the Void if she could. And if he said 'Jump', she would ask 'how high' as she took off her clothes. She would meet him wherever he wanted. His favorite place was the bed his wife shared with him. It always made Hawke queasy to her stomach when she laid on the sheets that stunk with her smell. And it was only in that place that she would lay limp, close her eyes, and think of something else.

It wasn't until she reached Kirkwall that she realized how stupid she was and how much time she had wasted on this adulterer. Kirkwall was an awakening for her. She did not grow up until she reached Kirkwall. The once rebellious and hateful child matured into a loving and lawful woman. She had done good by her mother and sister. She always preformed helpful deeds. When she met Anders, she would help out at the clinic at least five times a week. She saved people and their lives. She pledged herself to religion and was feverous in her attempts to repay the Maker for all he had done to her. She visited the Chantry every chance she got.

That was when she first saw him.

She did not know at the time that the man she saw was named Sebastian and that he would become her companion. All she knew was that he was a brother of the Chantry, he had a pretty accent, and had bedroom eyes.

'Maker knows he's going to bless his woman with gorgeous babies' Hawke had thought at first with no thought to whether he had taken any vow of chastity.

After the years, she had officially met this man and had befriended him. And years of friendship warped into romance.

Hawke had never met a man like Sebastian. He was a noble prince like something straight out of a fairytale. He did not want the royalty or what came from it. He could have had an entire country, yet he wanted to devote his life to the Maker. He was selfless, completely and utterly.

And Sebastian didn't want her for her body. He didn't seduce his way into her heart and mind.

Sebastian had told her that he had his struggles. He said that he still had manly desires. Hawke insisted that the Maker would understand. She told him that he didn't have to bind his life to Him in this way. As she would approach him and rubbed his shoulder, Sebastian would look to her. He would have a hunger in his eyes, but he starved himself as he turned from her.

Sick with her own needs, Hawke tried to calm herself and be as chaste as her love. But she couldn't. She could only lay in bed, amuse herself with naughty books, and fall asleep to the incubus that would satisfy her in her dreams. Oh, her incubus. He had Sebastian's face, Isabela's sex drive and Fenris's abs. She could only remember when she had watched as Fenris took off his armor so Anders could examine a wound. She cherished the memory of her blush and begging to help Anders. Any excuse would do to get a chance to feel the rock hard chest. But back to Hawke. She was a 'playful' being and she wasn't sure how she could stay with a man that promised no sex.

And things complicated with his proposal.

He wanted her to pledge herself to the Chantry. He wanted her to become a Sister and be his bride in a chaste marriage. He called their love pure.

And even on this day, Hawke would nurse a mug of ale and try to figure out what the Void was she thinking.

She loved Sebastian. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Yet, they couldn't even make love.

"Maker, help me, throw me a bone," Hawke muttered as she miserably went back to bed and started her nightly routine of self-amusement.

She lied on the bed and snuggled under the sheets. She sighed as she picked up her book. As she read of steamy romances, she took notice of the plot. It was another forbidden templar and mage romance. Her favorite. And as she read on, she began to think of Anders.

They had known each other for a long time. And besides Sebastian, Anders was her closest friend and confidant. She was fiercely loyal to him and she loved everything about him. He was passionate about the plight of the mages. Hawke had watched as the manifestos piled up. She watched as the skin around his eyes darkened. She watched as he had become increasingly paranoid about the world around him. Hawke did her best to help him and it always made her day when Anders would smile at her. And when he laughed, Hawke's heart almost burst with joy.

Sometimes, Hawke had…thoughts involving Anders. But she would always chide herself for them. He was her friend, he was her brother. To think of him as a lover was a terrible thing to do! She should be content with her incubus.

But the made up creature could only do so much for her. And she couldn't depend on it for the rest of her life with Sebastian.

And with her wedding only a few days away, she had to do something. She had to control herself and her desires. She had to fix herself. For Sebastian.

But little known to her, Sebastian had a plan of his own.


	2. Dirty Little Secret

Sebastian was not a stupid man. He knew that the desires of women could be as strong as men's. He had seen the way Hawke looked at him with hungry eyes. And it pained him each time to deny his love of a meal. His poor Hawke must be starving. She wanted him so bad and so did he. He was suffering just as she was. Every time they would meet, Sebastian would spend hours praying and asking the Maker for strength. He often asked the God why he would make men so weak and women so beautiful. But it wasn't Hawke's fault. Hawke was a beautiful woman with a good heart and a wonderful soul. She was fun and intelligent and protective in her beliefs. She also saw that each life was precious. She would look down at the corpse of a man that tried to kill her and she would whisper prayers to help him achieve peace at the side of the Maker.

He loved her. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. But now, he could see the toll it was taking on his soon to be bride. He saw the worry and nervousness in her eyes. He saw her bite her lip when she saw a male she found attractive, namely Fenris and Anders. He was not blind to the feelings she had. Sometimes he wondered why she had not left him for another, but he scolded himself for such thoughts. Hawke loved him. He should never doubt.

"Oh, hello, Hawke. Fancy seeing you here," Sebastian smiled as he found Hawke scurrying around the Hightown market.

"Sebastian?" she asked, her voice rising two octaves as she noticed her fiancée. She clutched her small bag in her arms and she tried to give him a friendly smile, "Oh, it's nice to see you, love. But I better go. I have-" She started to walk passed him.

He frowned before he got in front of her. "Nonsense, I have not seen you in days, can I not speak with you?"

"I know. I've missed you too," Hawke said, nodding her head, "We really do need to be with each other and talk, Sebastian. But I really have to get home-" She went to pass him again before he stopped her.

"What are you carrying here?" Sebastian asked as he grabbed the bag.

"Nothing!" Hawke told him, almost yelling. She pulled it back while Sebastian grabbed it.

"If it's nothing, it would not weigh this much," Sebastian told her as he tried to take it from her. He tried to figure out what it was. It was pretty heavy.

The struggle between the two started to cause a crowd to draw near. What was so important to Hawke that she was defying her soon to be husband to have it?

"Let go!" Hawke finally yelled as she gave the bag a final tug. Sebastian had let go at the same time Hawke pulled it back, the bag was flung into the air and it landed on the hard street. The contents, books, were scattered over the street. Sebastian looked down at the hardback novels and bent down to help her pick them up.

"No, no, I got it," Hawke insisted as she frantically grabbed the books and tried to shove them back into the bag.

Sebastian finally picked one up and looked it over. His eyes widened and his face turned red. His hand started to shake as he looked at it. The cover showed a topless woman with her mouth in the 'O' position. A large, muscular man was draped around her. His left arm was across her breasts and his mouth was sucking on her long neck. They were laying on a bed covered in red sheets and pillows. It was beautifully drawn, but that was not the top thing on Sebastian's mind.

"I-I-I can explain," Hawke told him as she snatched the book out of his hands and put it in the bag. The two slowly rose up as the crowd looked on.

"What are you doing with this…this…filth?" Sebastian asked as he looked to her.

Hawke just looked down with shame in her eyes. She then turned around and ran away, still holding the bag close to her.

Something had to be done…

* * *

Not in the mood to ravish her new collection, Hawke just set the books on the bookshelf before she laid down on her bed. She couldn't believe what happened. She couldn't believe that Sebastian saw. She couldn't believe that now he knew.

"But what does he expect?" she asked herself, "I'm only human!" She cried out before she rolled over on her back and stared at the canopy. And with a heavy heart, she closed her eyes and prayed to the Maker that this was not grounds to call off the wedding. No, no. She was not about to waste the last six years of her life for nothing. No, she was going to get a marriage out of this.

"My lady!" she heard Bodhan call out, "Sebastian is here. He desires to speak to you."

Hawke let out a moan before she yelled back, "Send him up." Seeing that her legs were spread slightly, she immediately sat up and tried to look as innocent as possible as not to turn her beloved off.

She heard Sebastian walk up the staircase and to her room. Then there was a silence. Then there was a short knock on the door before a stronger one followed it.

"Come in," Hawke said, her voice shaking slightly.

The door slowly opened and Sebastian walked inside. He took a few short steps before he finally walked over to her bed, "Hawke, I have to talk to you."

"Sebastian, I'm sorry. If you want to I'll get rid of them, it's just that-" she was cut off when Sebastian silenced her.

"I have a solution," he told her before he sat down on the bed next to her.

Hawke's heart started to pound as she stared at him. She thought about how easy it could be to grab him, pull him on top of her and to ravish him like the prince he deserved to be.

"We are getting married in three days…I want you to find a man. A nice, good clean man to be with for those three days," Sebastian told her.

"What?" Hawke asked, not understanding one thing of what he was saying.

Sebastian stared down at the sheets before he told her, "I want you to rid yourself of all sexual desires. I want you to fulfill each and every one of your needs before we marry." He turned to her, "I have been far too selfish of you. It was greedy of me to have you change your life for me."

She asked, to make sure, "You…you want me to have sex with another man?"

"Yes, I do," Sebastian told her as he took her hand, "We love each other. It would only be sex. Just to satisfy yourself in the way I cannot do for you."

"Are you sure?" Hawke asked. Wait…she couldn't believe she was going to accept this offer…

"Yes, I am," he said, earnestly, "I want you to be happy. Please do this for me." He looked into her and she almost melted under his blue eyes.

Hawke nodded slowly, "Alright, darling. I will. I love you, Sebastian."

"I love you too, Hawke," He told her as he leaned in and kissed her forehead. Hawke smiled slightly as she watched Sebastian stand and leave.

As soon as the door shut, Hawke sighed before she laid back down. She almost didn't believe that Sebastian would allow her to do this. Then again, he did love her. Almost as much as he loved his position as a brother of the Chantry. He loved her so much that he wanted her to be happy and be with another man. "Oh Sebastian," Hawke mumbled. He never failed to make her feel worthless and sinful. She hated him for that.

And now she would need to find someone.

Now the question was 'who'?


	3. And So It Begins

Oh yes the question was who. And Hawke had no idea where to even start.

What man would even agree to do this? Who did she trust enough to do it with? Who did she want to do it with?

Of course Hawke's first thought was to retreat to her incubus and go from there. After all, it was, in her mind, the perfect man. As soon as Sebastian's scent finally left the sheets, Hawke closed her eyes and watched as her incubus formed in her mind's eye.

Her incubus held no name. Along with his body, his name changed with each dream. A name also served no use. However, it was convenient for Hawke to have a name for this creature when she beckoned it to her. Mostly it was called Sebastian, but it did take the names of her companions from time to time and of men that she thought were attractive. The incubus was a flawless being that knew no needs outside of Hawke's. He seemed to know Hawke better than she knew herself. Sometimes it seemed as if the incubus had a mind of its own. And even though he came to her in dreams, his touch seemed so real to her that she could have sworn it truly happen.

Yet when she woke there was no indication that the night had ever happen.

And with a quiet yawn, Hawke opened her eyes and rolled over on her bed, staring at her mirror.

Virginia Hawke had boyish short hair that was a dark crimson color, not red like Aveline's. Her hair resembled the color of an apple in the dead of night. Her bright eyes were the color of the silver coins that she passed around to the orphans she came across in Lowtown. One of Sebastian's favorite features was her nose that was up turned slightly. He loved to kiss either her nose or her forehead that was sometimes hidden under her hair. Her skin was a deep tan, much like Fenris's skin. Her breasts were not as distastefully large as Isabela, but they still drew men's eyes when she wore something that was low cut.

"What's wrong with me?" Hawke asked her pretty reflection before she looked down at her sheets. Sebastian's rejection of her was not only hurting her physically, it was hurting her mentally. She always thought herself as a beautiful woman, yet she must not be that breath taking if he would not touch her in the way she wanted him to. She tried to understand his vows. She tried to put herself in his position. She tried to understand what it meant to be devoted to the Maker in the way that he was. She tried to be pure and innocent. She tried so hard for him. But no matter how hard she tried, she was inferior to him. She was not good enough for him. He deserved a Sister that knew nothing outside the Chantry. He deserved Andraste herself. This pained Hawke for how could she compete with the Bride of the Maker.

And now Sebastian comes to her with this? He tells her to have sex with another? Just like that? He wants her to be with another man? He wants that man to do his dirty work for him? That's what it was, wasn't it? He was getting having another do the things he did not want to do. That's what this was. Was that going to be his intention for their marriage?

"No," Hawke told herself, "That was not his intention." She was silly to think that. He wanted her to be happy with someone. That was not so cruel. He was willing to stand by as she lay with another intimately. Sebastian was going through Maker knows what inner turmoil about this and there she was complaining about it. She should be ashamed.

"I am ashamed," she whispered.

Nothing to do now but sleep, Hawke thought as she laid down on the bed and closed her eyes.

She saw the incubus sitting next to her. She stared at him and began to morph him as she saw fit. She got rid of the last night's design and made the creature Sebastian's twin. As soon as her mind was done, she watched as he took her hand and kissed it.

"_Are you sleeping well, my love?" he had asked as he planted soft kisses on the hand. The kisses traveled up her arm._

"_Yes," Hawke told him as she watched his other hand lay down on her knee._

"_Do you want me now?" He asked her._

"_Yes, yes, don't stop," she whispered as she felt him running his fingers up her thigh._

_The incubus gave her a small smile as he whispered into her ear, that sexy accent echoing, "As you command, my princess…"_

_Completely vulnerable, Hawke whined as she felt the fingers touch each inch of her skin._

_She turned to him and asked, desperately, "Why can't you be real?"_

"_As long as you stay in the Fade, I am," he told her with a loving look in his eyes._

Hawke did not respond. She just laid down on their cloud of a bed and she pulled him on top of her. She closed her eyes and kissed him deeply.

Waking up the next morning, Hawke simply opened her eyes and thought of her options.

A nice good clean man was hard to come by in Kirkwall and only a few of them had Hawke's interest. It had to be someone that she trusted. It

"Okay, Hawke, I have a plan," she told herself as she got out of bed and went to get dressed, "You are going to do this. You are going to do what your future husband wants you to do. You are going to lie with another man…Don't argue with me, you are. It will be good for you. The first man that you see today is the man you are going to sleep with. No questions asked. Just do it and get it over with. You need this, Hawke. You have to. For Sebastian."

She stared at herself in the mirror, "This plan is so stupid and reckless, it just might work." She smiled slightly. Sometimes, if she was good and the Maker showed her pity, things would work out for her. She would be able to be happy, at least for the moment.

"Lady Hawke!" Bodhan called out from downstairs, "Anders is here to speak to you. Should I send him up?"

And with that statement, Hawke froze as she pulled on her outfit. She was silent for a moment. Anders?

And with a shaky shout, she turned to the door, "Send him up."


	4. Seduction

"What am I doing?" Hawke asked herself as she heard the sound of footsteps walking up the staircase. She couldn't tell Anders about this. What would he do? What would he say? Should she be so presumptuous? After all Anders might not even want to have sex with her. He might reject her and their friendship will never be the same. Or worse, he'll accept and their friendship will still be in ruins. Hawke could not stand that. She wouldn't.

The door to Hawke's room opened and she watched as Anders entered. The look in his eyes showed that Anders was in a decent mood. He even had a small smile on his face. This made her smile back. It was still a weak smile, though.

"Hello, Hawke, how have you been?" Anders asked, "I hear from Varric and Isabela that the wedding is coming up…I guess you are-" He cut himself off when he saw that she did not look enthused by the forthcoming events. He looked over her and frowned as he saw the look on her face, "Are you feeling well?"

The young warrior sighed as she turned from the mirror and looked at Anders, "I…I have been better…"

Anders frowned, figuring that the bride to be would be giddy and happy about her upcoming nuptials. She wasn't having pre wedding doubts, was she? Perhaps she was thinking of calling the whole thing off. His heart jumped for one moment before it quieted back down. No, he shouldn't presume...

"Is there something wrong? You know you can talk to me," Anders told her as he walked over to her. If there was one thing he didn't like, it was to see Hawke upset about anything.

Oh, his scent started to overwhelm Hawke as he approached her. If dark temptation had a scent, it was what Anders smelled like. It was intoxicating, strong, commanding. But it gave promise there was a gentle side to it. A sensitive side.

Hawke met him in the middle and she looked into his eyes. She then asked, hesitantly, "Anders, can you just hold me?"

He was silent at first before he nodded, "Sure, Hawke…" Uncertain of what she wanted, Anders just wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into an embrace. He smiled softly as he felt her body relax into his. He put his chin on her head, making her body fit all the more better.

_If only...No...Don't think like that...You lost your chance..._

Virginia Hawke took in the smell as she pressed her face against his clothes. She felt his chin rest over her head. As she looked over to his exposed neck, she thought about how easy it was to press her lips on it and suck like no tomorrow. Oh temptation, thy name is Anders...It is, it is.

"Anders, you're one of my good friends, right?" Hawked asked.

"I like to think so, Hawke" Anders told her after a moment, "We've been together for a long time." He gave a weak chuckle as he sneaked a small backrub, "I know we've saved each other's asses more times than most." He let the laugh die before he squeezed her a little. Then he returned the hug to a normal hold, "You're one of the only...oh who am I kidding...you _are_ the only person I can really have a conversation with."

With a small smile, Hawke took in a deep breath before she told him, "Anders, Sebastian gave me an offer...And I took it."

"What sort of offer?" Anders asked, curious about what she was talking about.

"Well, you know about Sebastian and his...vows, right?" Hawke asked, being discreet about it. She didn't want to cause her soon to be husband any embarrassment.

"Yes, what about them?" Anders told her. Another reason why he was against the marriage.

"He told me that before our marriage...he wants me to..." she whispered softly, "Get rid of my sexual desires by sleeping with another man."

To say Anders was shocked by this was an understatement. He couldn't believe that Sebastian would not only tolerate this but he told her to do it. And now there was another man in this picture? The mere thought caused Anders's mind to race with all the men that she could chase after.

He was not blind to how she looked at Fenris. But the broody elf was having a hypocritical relationship with Merrill. And Hawke would not dare hurt Merrill like that. Making the Dalish elf upset was akin to kicking a kitten.

There was Varric. Anders heard how the two shamelessly flirted back and forth in the old days before she met Sebastian. Considering how slick and charming the dwarf was, Andes was surprised that he didn't put a move on Hawke. But then again, there was Bianca.

Not to mention that there were the countless noble young men that would kill for a chance to bed the Champion. And there was a fair share of them that were handsome enough to catch Hawke's eyes. Anders knew that she and the viscount's son had a friendship before the young man died. Who knows who else Hawke had 'friendships' with? Men that Anders didn't know about.

"So...you are going to do it," Anders said, making sure that he understood the situation.

"Yes," she said. Hawke pulled out of Anders's hug before she turned to look at the fireplace. She walked towards it and put her hand on the mantle, "I have chosen a man..."

"Oh?" Anders said, noticing that the 'oh' sounded like a gasp coming from a high pitched nervous wreck rather than himself. He cleared his throat as he looked away from her, "So...have you...have you two-"

Hawke shook her head, "No, no...He doesn't even know yet. I'm not sure that he will take me."

"Well, he's a fool not to," Anders told her, regaining some bravery, "You're beautiful and clever...You're such a good person. Kind, caring..." He took a harsh gulp before saying, "And I bet you'll be an excellent lover." He felt his cheeks turn red as he tried to figure out why the Void he said that.

She chuckled softly before she turned to him and said, "You're sweet to say that..."

Relieved that he didn't make an idiot out of himself, Anders smiled before he asked, "So, who is the lucky, lucky man?"

"It's you," Hawke said as she undid her tie and let her finery fall to the floor.


	5. A Sponsored Sin

"Oh…Maker…" Anders mumbled as he grabbed the wall for support. He was not expecting this when he got the idea to visit Hawke early that morning. Anders had no idea that when he would go see his friend that she would give him such news. That Sebastian wanted her to find a man to use and that Hawke wanted this man to be Anders. He had to be dreaming. That's it. This was the exactly the sort of dream that he would think of as he ached for her. Usually they weren't so real, but this could not be happening.

Hawke was standing before Anders wearing nothing but her white undergarments. The mage's eyes wondered over her dark skin as he thought to control himself. Her beautiful tanned skin seemed to be the only ray of light in the dark room. Scars decorated her skin to show what a fighting girl she was. Some goose bumps started to form on her arms and legs as her body started to adjust to cool air. Anders eyes ran over her long legs, her toned thighs and hips, and her firm stomach and bouncy breasts. The robe was left untouched around Hawke's ankles. With a deep breath, he realized that he was awake.

_This was no dream. This was happening._

With a shy smile, Hawke looked at Anders before she asked, "Do you want me?" At first she was worried that Anders would reject her. But she saw the look in his eyes. It was the look of a man that wanted her. She remembered that look from the man that she had once loved in Lothering. But his look was greedier and full of hunger. Anders was not a selfish. And it was not lust that shined in his eyes. It was something else. It was something brighter.

Anders took his hand off the wall and went to approach Hawke. He stared at her, still looking over her body. "Why me?" He asked, trying to figure out why she chose him as the man she was going to sleep with. She could be with anyone. Why would she want him? Her best friend? This could cause so much harm. This was a huge risk for her to take. And to add how he felt about her…If she had any idea, she would be the cruelest woman he ever knew. But she didn't know. He took care that she would never know. He couldn't blame her.

Hawke smiled at him as a soft blush decorated her face. "You're one of my good friends. You're smart, passionate, thoughtful, sensitive," Hawke said, numbering off the reasons she had that fondness for Anders, "It's better you than anyone else…And I've always found you eye-catching. So what do you say?" Hoping for a positive answer, she smiled nervously.

The way she smiled at him almost made Andes want to laugh. He loved how adorable she looked. It was charming and deadly. It was a dangerous combination of a girlish face with a fully woman body. But that was Hawke for you. She was a one of a kind individual. She could echo Sebastian's views on peace and goodwill, but Anders could see that she was her own woman. She had her own thoughts, feeling and beliefs. It was one of the reasons that he admired her so much.

Believing he was a pure idiot, he agreed with Hawke's offer. With a slow nod, Anders leaned down and kissed her lips. The kiss was sweet and gentle at first. He wrapped his arms around Hawke. The younger kissed back and embraced Anders tightly. He kissed her once more, getting more and more crazed as he breathed in her scent. He needed more of that warmth. He needed more of the fire that was racing through his blood stream.

_This will end in disaster…This will hurt me…_

Starving for oxygen, Anders moved away from her and ended the kiss. He should stop himself. He should just turn and leave and never look back. Oh, Maker he had never been this terrified of the consequences in his life. Only his ritual with Justice rivaled how he was feeling at this moment. But as Anders stared into those stormy gray eyes, he felt the need grow stronger. Images of her and him started to run through his mind. He started to shake as he grabbed her.

_Why do you torment me like this? Why do you hate me so?_

Anders ran his hands down her skin and stroked her flawless curves. He knew he shouldn't continue with this foolishness, but he couldn't stop himself. He had to have her. She was offering herself to him. He was given Hawke was on a silver platter. He should take this chance while he could. Do it now before she would change her mind. Why wasn't he more eager to be with her? This was something he had dreamed about, something he craved, something he wanted.

_But I don't want it like this…I want something more…_

Hawke commanded the kiss this time. Her tongue ran over his lips before it wanted entrance into Anders's mouth. He allowed this guest in, melting under her every want and command. One of the things he loved about her was her free spirit. No matter what was going on, Hawke always knew what she wanted. And if she wanted Anders, he would let her have him.

_Oh Hawke, Hawke, you're so close, yet so far…Why does it have to be like this?_

The two fell on the bed with Anders on top. He started to claim some dominance, as he demanded entrance into her mouth. She obeyed him at once as she made herself comfortable on the bed. She could feel the bed squeak under their weight, but the sound seemed so far away.

_It's been so long…_

She tried to force any thoughts of Sebastian out of her mind as she helped Anders remove his clothing. Even though he gave Hawke his blessing to do this, she couldn't help but feel as if she was doing something wrong. Once again, he was proving his worthiness. Hawke was the weak sinner and Sebastian was the angel to guide her. She was unworthy of his holiness. She didn't deserve him. And this act would ruin any chance of ever reaching Sebastian on his pedestal. But Hawke knew that any effort was a waste of time. She would never be good enough.

_Then why are you doing this?_

Hawke felt her body respond in a violent fashion as Anders kissed her all over. Nothing she read or saw in her dreams could ever compare to the real thing. No matter how good the vision was. No matter how life like her incubus could become. No, her incubus was just a toy, just a thing. It had no soul, no passion. Thoughts could never been compared to actions.

"I have been dreaming of this exact moment," Anders panted as his mind swam in his own thoughts. But he knew that admitting this to Hawke was a stupid thing to do. Seeing the confused look on her face only proved it.

"What?" Hawke asked, wondering if she heard correctly.

Oh he wished he could tell her exactly how he felt. "…Nothing," Anders told her as he kissed Hawke once more. Now was not the time for talking. Talking would just get him into more trouble.

Perhaps if she had been in another state of mind , she would have pushed to ask Anders what he had said and meant. But not now. Hawke was too preoccupied with her needs. She felt something take over her. She felt crazy, she felt like an animal about to pounce upon her prey. It was a feeling she welcomed back with open arms.

Happy that she dropped the issue, Anders continued to kiss Hawke as he and her got caught up in the heat of the moment. He felt his body respond to hers and vice versa. He felt as fire and blood rushed through his body as Hawke pulled him close to her. He couldn't see, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. All he could do was feel and touch. But he wanted so much more than what she was offering. But Anders was not a selfish person...

_This will not end well..._


	6. What You Don't Know

With a satisfied sigh, Hawke stared at the ceiling as Anders got off her. Instead of getting up, putting on his clothes and leaving like her previous lover had, Anders laid down next to her. Figuring he was just tired, she didn't think much of it. As she listened to his pants, Hawke smiled as she wrapped her arms around him. She snuggled close to her friend and took in that fragrance of dark temptation. Oh if she could bottle that scent, she would sprinkle it over her sheets every night. It was a smell of masculinity, a smell of power, yet something sensitive was behind it. Something delicious, something sweet, sort of like chocolate.

"You are sexy," she admitted in a straightforward fashion as she kissed his bare chest. She smiled as she felt his arm take hold of her. She felt secure and safe in his arms. It was a good, foreign feeling. His entire body invigorated all five senses in a way no one ever had before.

Anders laughed as he kissed the top of her head, "What was it you once said? That I had a 'sexy, tortured' look?" He remembered the day as clear as yesterday. It had been a long time since someone had flirted with him in such a way. The comment also gave Anders license to believe that something could happen between them.

"You do," Hawke told him. She smiled as she stared back up at the ceiling. She heard Anders give a satisfied sigh as his own as he stroked Hawke's side absent-mindedly. The way he was holding her made Hawke feel right. Being with him felt right. It was like this was what was supposed to happen.

_Oh Maker…What am I saying? I am meant to be with Sebastian. I love Sebastian. This shouldn't even be happening. I shouldn't be in bed cuddling with Anders. This was not part of the deal._

A frown crossed Hawke's face as she thought of what to do. Hawke started to slide off of Anders's body. She pulled away from his hold, not noticing his reluctance. With a slow motion, she sat up in the bed and drew her knees up. She felt that feeling of 'right' leave her.

Worried over her changing mood, Anders went to comfort her. He couldn't stand to see her unhappy. He wondered if he had done something wrong. He must have because it wasn't like Hawke to look so depressed. Anders sat up as well and put a hand on her shoulder, "Is something-"

Hawke pulled away from his touch like it was a hot iron instead of the caring hand of her close friend.

_That was fantasy…I have to deal with reality…_

"If you want, you can stay here for the next few days," Hawke told him as she looked to the walls instead, "If you need anything, tell Orana or Bodhan. You can sleep in Mother's room." The chill from her voice sucked all the warmth from Anders's body as he felt his dream crash down on him. It was like a flashback of the Vigil's Keep falling down around him back in Amaranthine. But instead of collapsing walls, he was trying to dodge his feelings.

Temporary stunned, Anders asked, slowly, "I can't sleep in here with you?" He had thought…

"No. Sebastian wouldn't want that," Hawke told him, "Kissing and cuddling is too intimate…too friendly…It's not why you're here. You're just sex and I don't want Sebastian to think otherwise."

Anders was quiet for a moment. He put his hand down and looked down at the sheets, "I…Of course, you are right, Hawke…I'm…just sex." The words tasted like bitter, deadly poison in his mouth, in the mouth that showered her with such love. Anders took the blankets off his body and got out of the bed. He went to grab his clothes in a slow manner. He hoped that Hawke would change her mind. It was desperate hope, a fool's hope. He was grasping at straws.

When it was apparent Hawke was just going to sit there in silence, Anders quickened his pace and he put his clothes back on. He needed to hide his shame and his broken ego. He could not believe how stupid he had been.

_I was a fool to believe this would change anything._

Still naked, Hawke laid down in the bed and curled up in the fetal position. Her back was to Anders. She felt an uncomfortable feeling in her stomach. It made her queasy and sick. She had not felt this feeling so strongly. How could something that felt right feel wrong in two seconds flat?

Anders finished dressing himself. Against his better judgment, he looked over at Hawke's form. With a steady hand he grabbed the edge of the blanket and pulled it over her nude frame. He tried to stop himself from laying down beside her. It was so difficult to control himself.

_You should have known better than to think this meant something. We were just…using each other…_

"Just knock when you want me again…" Anders said with little emotion in his voice. He didn't look at Hawke as he turned and walked out of the room. But he could feel her stormy eyes watching him leave. The harsh sound of Anders shutting the door made Hawke jump.

The once hot bedroom fell cold even though the fireplace was on full power. Hawke felt her lower lip start to tremble.

_No…_

Hawke bit the lip and tried to make it calm down. She started to whine and whimper as the feeling in her stomach get worse. The lip stopped shaking, but then she felt the water stir up in her eyes.

_Stop it…_

Air traveled in and out at a fast pace as Hawke tried to keep her emotions under control. But she couldn't. She had to release. With a choked cry, she felt the tears come out of her eyes. The salty liquid ran down her cheeks along with the emotions that she had kept in for Maker knows how long.

_Weak…So weak…_

Anders sighed as he leaned against the wall outside Hawke's room. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. Anders knew he shouldn't have put himself in this situation. It wasn't healthy for him. But he couldn't stay away from her. He wanted her so bad, even if for that one moment. But there was a tiny bit of him that was happy. If she returned his feelings, his dreams would have come true.

"Oh Maker…Doesn't Sebastian realize how lucky he is to have Hawke's love?" Anders asked as he opened his eyes, "I don't care…I would break any vow, any promise. I will go to the Void and back if it meant that I could spend one moment with her…"

* * *

Author's Note: Dumping Anders was the hardest thing I had to do on DA2. "I-Everything you said...you used me" *sad face* so I went to my last save and pretended it didn't happen. But it was good material for this story.

"Dark Temptation" by Axe is totally something Anders would have. So, props to Noah for inspiring me. :)


	7. Denial Hurts Doesn't It?

"Aren't they beautiful, Fenris?" Merrill cooed as she wrapped the freshly picked flowers into a bouquet.

"Quite," he said, shortly, as he leaned against one of the buildings. For nearly an hour he had watched her pick the flowers and he listened to her ramblings. Without any thought, Merrill was picking the flowers that were planted in the nobles' gardens. Fenris stayed near her to give the evil glare to anyone that would dare spoil her fun.

"Hawke is going to love these! Maybe if they last long enough she could use them in the wedding. Oh! I hope I catch it when she throws it!" Merrill squealed as she inhaled the scent of the roses, lilies, and gardenias.

A small smile crossed Fenris's face. He took care to get rid of it before Merrill saw. He told her, "We should go to Hawke's so she could put them in a vase."

"Oh yes!" Merrill smiled as she ran out of the garden, taking care not to ruin it more than she had. She stood by Fenris's side and looked up at him with a wanting look in her eyes.

No, calm down, Merrill. "No public displays of affection" His most important rule.

Fenris sighed as he straightened himself and walked with Merrill to Hawke's mansion.

Four weeks ago was when this relationship started. The attraction started almost four years ago. Fenris had fought against the annoying affection for the silly, naïve witch while Merrill tried to convince herself that her feelings would not be returned. Their self-loathing climbed as the weeks turned into months. Small talks would take place, but they never had an actual civil conversation. Truth be told, Fenris was terrified of her. He knew the reputation of blood mages and he was sure that if he would enter a relationship with her that Merrill would end up using him. And he would not be controlled again.

After the Keeper died, Merrill became quiet. She wouldn't speak to anyone. One day, Fenris had made a snide comment. She suddenly exploded.

_"Why do you hate me so much?" Merill screamed, "I know that I mess everything up! I know everything I touch is ruined! I know that I am a danger to everyone around me! I know that I'll never be good again! Why do you have to pour salt in this wound, Fenris? Are you that cruel? Are you that unkind and nasty and spiteful?"_

She had burst into tears after, leaving Isabela to console her. Isabela held her and whispered encouraging words into her ear before she sent Merrill home to calm down.

"_Go to her and apologize," Isabela snarled as she looked at Fenris._

_Slightly thrown off by her hostility, Fenris sneered, "Or what?"_

"_I will cut your balls off and I'll shove them down your throat," She threatened, pulling out one of her daggers. _

Suffice to say, Fenris had obeyed Isabela's request. He had invited himself into Merrill's home and forced out an apology before he went to leave. But something made him stop. Maybe it was the fact she was still crying. Or that it started to rain outside and he didn't want to walk home. Or he felt a twinge of guilt. Or he was still scared of Isabela.

Whatever the reason, Fenris had stayed.

"_I will spend the rest of my life making up for my stupidity," Merrill vowed. She wiped her tears on her sleeve, "But it won't erase what happened. I know that. I just wished that I could start over." She looked up at him, "I wish that I were you…You escaped. You made a new life."_

"_You do not want to be me," He told her after a moment of thought._

The talk went on for hours, well into the night. The topics changed. Fenris was not sure on how the topic of magic turned into the topic of their life stories, but it did. Fenris felt as if he could listen to her stories for days.

He could see that Merrill realized her mistakes that he had tried to tell her that she was making.

And one day, Fenris wasn't scared of her anyway. And Merrill felt the same way.

After one of their debates about magic, they looked at each other with heated passion. Fenris thought she was beautiful. He turned from her. She grabbed him by his arm. He yanked his arm away, accidentally backhanding her. She cried out. He started to apologize.

That's when she kissed him.

And since then they had become inseparable. They went to each other's houses to talk. Each session would end in a kiss. They had not consummated their love. Fenris was holding back. He was denying himself that he actually felt something for this girl. If he pursued her like this…It would be admitting that he cared about her.

Merrill smiled as she knocked on the door to the Hawke Mansion. She had accepted this situation with Fenris. After she knocked, she opened the door. The two walked in.

"Hawke! It's Merrill and Fenris!" Merrill called out as she went into the front room.

Before she crossed the threshold, Fenris grabbed her by her arm. Almost dropping the flowers, Merrill turned to him. He bent down and kissed her quickly before he pulled away and led the way into the room. Slightly dazed, Merrill smiled as she followed after him.

"What are you doing here, mage?" was Fenris's question as he saw Anders on the second floor.

Anders seemed to be in his own little world. He was standing near the railing, gripping it tightly. His eyes were closed and he didn't seem to hear Fenris.

"This is odd…" Fenris commented. He cleared his throat and raised his voice, "Anders!"

In that moment, Anders opened his eyes and awoke to the world. He shook his head and looked down at the couple.

"What…how did you two get in here?" He asked, confused.

Anders was the only one, outside of Hawke, who knew about their relationship. He had walked in on a kiss one time and he had overheard a conversation. He hated it. It was sick and hypocritical. He wanted to strangle Fenris for the absolute conflict of his words and actions.

"We opened the door and walked in," Merrill told him. She smiled as she held up the flowers, "I made a bouquet for Hawke's wedding. Where is she?"

He sighed before he turned to Hawke's bedroom door, "Hawke! Fenris and Merrill are here!"

"Tell them I'm not here!" was Hawke's loud response from her bedroom.

Fenris couldn't help but chuckle at Merrill's confused expression.

"…I don't think that will work, Hawke. They're in here," Anders told her.

There was an awkward silence before the door to Hawke's room opened. She walked outside, wearing her finery. She smiled at Merrill and Fenris before walking down the stairs.

"I made you a bouquet!" Merrill smiled as she handed Hawke the flowers.

Hawke accepted the flowers hesitantly, "Bouquet? Oh…yes, for my wedding…"

"You must be so excited! Only a few more days and you'll be Serah Virginia Vael. Or will it be Sister?" Merrill asked as she held her hands and watched Hawke put the flowers in a vase.

"What is Anders doing here?" Fenris asked. He wasn't one to ignore the elephant in the room.

Anders bit his lower lip nervously. He knew that Hawke wouldn't say anything, but…

The two locked eyes before Hawke answered, "We were just talking…" She turned to Merrill and put on a large grin, "Thank you so much for the flowers."

"You're welcome," Merrill said as she took Hawke's hands, "Oh! Tell me about your wedding dress!"

Anders sighed as he watched Hawke. There was a strange look in his eyes.

Fenris didn't like it.


	8. Lips Of A Rose

After an hour of talking, Fenris and Merrill finally left. Fenris, wary of Anders's reasoning to why he was at the mansion, was hesitant to leave. It was only after Merrill's insistence that they left. After the goodbyes, the two elves made their way out.

An awkward silence passed between Anders and Hawke before Anders was the one to break it. He sighed before he went upstairs.

"Wait," Hawke told him as she followed after him. She grabbed him by his wrist. Anders turned to face her and he was met by a sudden kiss.

_The wounds have not even healed and you seek to cause more? How much sadism is in your kind heart? How much masochism is in mine?_

Anders was a slave to her. He couldn't help himself as he felt those lips against him. They felt like the inside of a rose. As they exchanged the kiss, Anders felt his hand leave the railing. He almost stumbled as Hawke deepened the kiss.

Within the minute Hawke pulled away. She stared at him with a look of wanting in her eyes. She sighed as she smiled at him, "You know, Anders, you are one of the only people I trust. I could never ask this of anyone else."

He forced himself to smile back, but he said nothing to her. He just turned and continued his way up the stairs. A second passed before Hawke followed after him. Anders stopped in front of his room and opened up the door. As he stared at the doorknob, he could feel Hawke's eyes on him.

Hawke sighed as she finally looked away from him and went into her room.

After dinner, Anders was called into Hawke's room. He sighed as he opened the door and walked inside.

Hawke was standing in front of the fireplace, looking into the flames. She turned to Anders and smiled. She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close to her. She reached up and pressed her lips against his. Anders slowly gave into her as he deepened the kiss.

"Tell me you want me," Hawke whispered as she went to kiss his neck.

This request almost made Anders roll his eyes. He wasn't sure why she needed reassure. She had to know that he wanted her.

Anders complied with her order, "I want you…" He could hear the choked feelings trying to escape. He was powerless to move as Hawke made her marks on his throat. He moaned as he felt her hand reached into his clothing. He felt those small fingers run down his side.

With a sudden function, Hawke fell back on her bed with Anders on top of her. Hawke rolled Anders over so that she was on top. Content under her, Anders ran his hands up her thighs and smiled at the smooth skin.

He went to look into her eyes, but he noticed that they were closed.

"Tell me I'm beautiful," Hawke insisted as she removed her lips from his neck and moved up to his mouth.

"Maker, you are beautiful," Anders told her. He continued on with his gentle motion before he slowly closed his eyes.

It would have been perfect if it was not for one word.

"Sebastian…" Hawke whispered as Anders felt the kiss leaving.

That name. Anders immediately opened his eyes once he heard it. Hawke's eyes were still closed and she seemed to be in her own world.

He felt something clench in his heart, like an iron grip was crushing the organ.

It wasn't Anders Hawke wanted. It was Sebastian. It was the prince she wanted. It was the angel she wanted. It was the holier than thou, righteous, kind, perfect man she wanted. Not Anders. Not the rebel. Not the abomination. Not the fugitive with no future.

_I may not have you. I may never have my love return. But Maker help me, I will not have you say his name when I am giving you what he will never._

Anders grabbed Hawke and flipped her over. He saw her eyes open up and widened. He smirked as he let a side he had keep dormant come out.

He remembered his days as a careless mage. He remembered the loose girls he would spend his time with. He remembered Tabris…

Passion took over reason. He kissed her deeply and quickly took their clothes off. Shocked at the change of pace, Hawke went along with it. An uncertain motion crossed her face before their bodies started to entwine in their lusts.

"Anders!" was the cry that freed his heart from its holding.


	9. Hidden Secrets

_Hey, guys. To those on the East Coast of the United States that were hit by Hurricane Irene, I hope you are doing well and are dry and safe._

* * *

Learning from his previous mistake, Anders quickly got out of the bed. He did not want to be scolded again for showing "unnecessary" affection. He listen to the sound of Hawke panting as he put on his clothes. After he was through, he looked back to the bed. Hawke was still lying on her bed, completely naked and motionless. Anders watched her chest move with the rhythm of her breathing. Her eyes were still open and dilated. Her hands were still gripping the sheets. It was like time had stopped when they were done. There was no indication that Hawke moved outside of her inhalation.

"Hawke? Are you alright?" Anders questioned as he grabbed a post on the bed. He looked her over, unsettled by her demeanor, and he tried to figure out what was wrong with her. If Anders didn't know better, he would have thought that Hawke was possessed. She did not look like herself at all.

She finally moved at the sound of his voice. Hawke just blinked her emotionless and detached eyes and slowly released her tight hold on the sheets. With a mechanical function, Hawke pulled the thick blanket over her undressed body and stared up above her. She did not answer him. Hawke's eyes glanced over to him, but they slowly returned to staring up at the ceiling.

Seeing that she was okay for the most part, Anders left the room. He gently closed the door behind him. If he was permitted to, he would have stayed with her. Anders didn't want to leave her in that state. But Hawke wanted to honor Sebastian.

Anders thought he would never understand the dynamic of his relationship with Hawke. Their friendship had turned into something Anders never had before. It seemed that Hawke was using him, but Anders never saw someone be so passionate in a supposedly unemotional act. Then again, Hawke was just using him as a Sebastian substitute. Perhaps that passion was for Sebastian. All that pent up emotion was not healthy for Hawke.

He made his way to his room with the thoughts of going to sleep, but he found himself wide awake. Sighing, he started to make his way down stairs. He was careful to avoid making noise as not to awake any one. He found the door to the library like area and opened it. Maybe a good book will put him back to sleep. He needed to just relax with no dreams of Hawke. He would worry himself to death if he continued obsessing over her the way he was.

Justice rumbled inside him. Anders could practically hear what Justice was thinking.

"It's _my_ time. I'm entitled to waste it if I want to," Anders muttered.

The spirit, infuriated by such insolence, snapped back with anger.

Feeling a pounding in his head, Anders hissed in pain as he grabbed the wall. He balanced himself before he thought to regain control.

"She is not a danger. She knows nothing about what we're planning. Just let me have a good time...Just for a few days," Anders said, practically begging, "I work, I write, I stick my neck out every single day. Can I not have some peace and pleasure? Can I be happy? Just for a little while?"

_"But you are not getting peace coupled with pleasure. You are not feeling the emotion 'happy'. That harlot is harming you. You indulge if your lusts if you wish, but I won't sit here and let her break you. Why do you not see? Why are you being so blind?" _

Anders recognized the voice of the thought as his own, but he knew that it was Justice's thinking. Maker, he could not tell the two apart sometimes.

Justice calmed down after a moment and Anders's headache went away. Seeing that he was safe for the moment, he continued on with his night.

He picked a book off the shelf, ignoring the title, and sat down at the desk. On the desk, Anders could not help but see some scattered papers strewn across the table. There was something familiar about them. He felt like he had seen them somewhere before. Not wanting to poke around in Hawke's business, Anders disregarded this and opened the book. At once Anders saw that there was drawing in the book. He saw that there were arrows and circles around the words. He also saw that there were slashes between the syllables. It wasn't until a few minutes later that Anders realized that it was one of the books Hawke used when she had her reading lessons with Fenris. Anders closed the book and placed it on the desk. He didn't want to think about Fenris or Hawke.

Glancing at the papers, Anders thought it would not cause harm if he took a quick look. After taking a look at the papers, he recognized them immediately and realized why they were so familiar to him. The papers were his manifestos. And a lot of them were old ones, dating several years back. He couldn't believe that Hawke had kept them that long. This brought a smile on his face. Anders knew that she felt the same way he did about mages, but she didn't seem active about it. He thought that his effort to putting his manifestos in her books was a vain attempt and that she would end up discarding them. He saw he was wrong.

As he read over the papers, he could feel the smile getting bigger. He could see how he had improved in his writing over the last six years. Anders continued reading, getting mini flashbacks of the events that surrounded each manifesto.

"Still awake?" was the voice that brought Anders out of his daze and trip down memory lane. He looked up from the papers and turned around.

Hawke was standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame. She was dressed and cleaned. Her hair was wet from the washing and Anders could smell the scent of flowers from where he was sitting.

Realizing that he had been reading for the last hour, Anders explained, "I couldn't sleep." He put down the manifestos and told her, "I can't believe you still have them..."

She smiled before she told him, "The first time I found a page, I couldn't keep myself from reading. You make a compelling argument. A few days later I found another. And then it started into a scavenger game of sorts." Hawke made her way over to the bookshelf and ran her fingers over the hardback novels, "I love reading. It makes me forget that my life is in shambles." Her cheeks flushed before she corrected herself, "I mean...not that my life is all that terrible. At least I'm not an apostate with a spirit living inside me." Hawke became conscious of what she said and turned to Anders, "Not saying that _your_ life is terrible, it's just that it's not...it's not mine. And I appreciate what you have to go through. I'll just shut up now."

Anders just chuckled, "No...I understand what you are saying." He was quiet for a moment before he asked, "How about you? Can't sleep either?"

Hawke sighed before she shook her head, "Every time I close my eyes, I think about..." She stopped herself. She couldn't tell him. It was a secret she had kept to herself for far too long. Not even Sebastian knew about this.

Seeing her lips curl into a frown, Anders stood up and walked over to Hawke, "Think about what, Hawke?"

As soon as he went towards her, Hawke moved away from him. She walked over to the window and stared out it. She crossed her arms and said, "Nothing. It's nothing."

Not believing one word, Anders pursued her. He put his hand on her shoulder.

_No matter how much you hurt me, I would take each blow rather than see you upset. _

Hawke tensed her muscles as she pulled away from him. "I don't want to talk about it."

Not letting this go, Anders told her, "You used to be open with me. If I had asked last week, you would have confided in me in a heartbeat."

"Last week, we had not slept together. Last week, we were still friends," Hawke retorted. She groaned before she pounded a closed fist on the window. She screwed her eyes shut and let out a sharp gasp, "Maker help me, get out of my head." She started to stumble as her eyes continued to stay close.

Anders grabbed her and steadied her, whispering soothing words into her ears.

He could hear her crying. Hawke was sobbing painfully. Anders could not bear to hear her when she was like this. "Shush, shush, it's okay. We're still friends, Hawke. You can tell me anything. I'll make you feel better. Just tell me about it," He told her as he held her close.

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Hawke looked up at him, "Yes...Yes, Anders, you'll make me feel better." There was something strange and distant about her voice. She then lunged at him, pressing her lips against his. Thrown off by this unexpected motion, Anders removed his arms and fell back into the bookcase. A few books fell, causing awful thudding noises.

Anders was able to push her away from him, "Hawke, what are you-" He suddenly heard a rip and he saw that Hawke had grabbed on to the top of his robes and had started to tear the fabric.

"Come on, take me. Now!" was Hawke's low and husky command as she smashed her lips against him again.

The unpleasant, harsh feeling on his lips made Anders pull away from her and wonder what the Void was going on. Nowhere to go but back into the bookcase, Anders hissed as he felt his head hit the hard books.

"Hawke, Hawke, get off me," Anders groaned as he felt Hawke tear his robes one more time. Anders could feel his body react positively to Hawke's actions, but his mind could see what was happening was not right.

Anders let out a sharp gasp as he felt Hawke snake her hand through one of the holes in his robes. The hand quickly went down to his manhood and it was given a tight squeeze that was far from pleasurable.

This was not like Hawke. Not at all.

"Get off me!" Anders yelled as he pushed Hawke away from him.

She cried out as she let go of Anders and fell back. There was a loud bump as she collapsed on the floor. She forced herself in the sitting position before she looked up at Anders.

_What...What did I do?_

The mage tried to calm his breathing and his body. He stared down at the still Hawke before he finally spoke, "I...I need to go."

He walked past Hawke and went for the exit, completely confused over what had come over her.

"Wait! Wait, don't go!" Hawke called out as she watched Anders leave. She scrambled up and went to follow him, but she could not feel her body move. She stood there, frozen, and watched Anders walk out the door.

_Oh Maker...what have I done? What is wrong with me?_

* * *

_Thanks for reading and please review. _


	10. Nights In Hightown

The only thing Anders wanted at the moment was to get as far away from Hawke as possible. After grabbing his staff, Anders left the mansion quickly. He pretended not the hear her pleas. Hawke was not in her right mind and he had no idea what to do. He didn't want to risk harming her. She had never done anything like this before. She always seemed so calm, cool and collected. What in the Maker's name could possess her to do something like that? What caused this outburst? Was this a onetime thing? Or was this something she always had in her? Something that she had always kept hidden? Hawke always portrayed herself as open and shut, but Anders had a feeling there was more to her than what met the eye.

With nowhere to go but back home, Anders made his way through Hightown. Even though the neighborhood was upscale, it still held its gangs. He should be quick and get into Darktown as soon as possible. For any foolhardy man's sake. It wasn't until a few minutes later that Anders noticed the numb pain on his lower lip. There was a faint sting to the tender flesh. It didn't bother him physically. He had gone through far worst pain than a cut lip. It was the memories it brought back that caused the ache.

* * *

_"Noel, please, we need to talk," Anders told the Warden Commander as he followed her throughout the Keep._

_The red haired woman glanced back at the mage before keeping forward. "I don't want to talk to you, Anders. Now, please leave me alone." Determined not to lose this uphill battle, Anders continued after her. He snuck a few peeks at her swaying hips. The way they moved reminded him of a pendulum. They both swung back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. It was quite soothing actually._

_Looking up to the back of her head, Anders told her, "I don't want things to be awkward between us." Her hair was actually braided into two circle braids, giving the illusion that the hair was short. It was a nice style, but it was still practical for casual outings and battle situations. _

_The city born elf gave a hearty laugh at what Anders said, "Oh really? Then you should have saved some ink with that stupid letter you wrote." She stopped in front of her bed chamber and she pulled a key out of her pocket. She went to unlock the door. He knew that he couldn't let her go to her room. He needed to talk to her now and get this situation resolved._

_"It was not a stupid letter," Anders said, infuriated by how she treated the note. "That was very hard for me to write. I'm not used to expressing my feelings. I'm not a pansy, Maker damn it. And the least you could do is give me the time of day, Noel."_

_Noel rolled her green eyes as she unlocked her door and went to open it. Anders pushed the door shut and stood in front of her. "Talk to me, Noel," he told her._

_She glared at him, showing anger in her eyes. She said, keeping her voice low, "There is nothing to talk about, Anders. This is an extremely simple concept, you fool mage. Now, for the last time. Leave. Me. Alone." Noel reached for the doorknob. Frustrated, Anders grabbed her wrist and pushed her away. He was not letting her go without an explanation._

_Stumbling back, Noel straightened herself before she hit the wall behind her. She stared at him and asked, enraged, "What will it take for you to leave me alone? Get this through your thick skull." She continued slowly as if speaking to a child, "I. Do. Not. Want. To. Pursue. A. Relationship. With. You." _

_Hearing these words come from her was bad enough, but to see her uncaring and frustrated expression was worse. Recovering over this, Anders told her, "That was not what you told me yesterday...Noel, I cannot deal with these mixed signals. I am not a mind reader. You cannot tease me like this and get angry when I respond. That doesn't make sense." _

_"I told you that if things were different, I would..." Noel told him, irritated by his stupidity, "But they are not. Things are the way they are. I was letting you down easy. I thought you would take the hint."_

_"Oh we want to talk about hints now?" Anders said, noticing that his voice had gotten louder as his emotions got stronger, "Yes, let's talk about hints. Let's talk about how you never leave the Keep without me. Let's talk about how you shoot down every female who wants to speak with me. Let's talk about you waking me up every night 'just to talk'. Let's talk about how you like to fake injuries so you have an excuse for me to undress you and touch you."_

_As his voice rose in volume, Noel started to look around in a panic as she started to shush him. One of the doors opened to reveal Nathaniel. He looked at the two for a moment before he slowly went back into his room and closed the door. _

_And with that ending statement, Noel lunged at Anders, kissing him fiercely. She showed a hunger and lust in her actions as she attacked his face like a rapid mabari._

_Too passionate to throw her off, Anders accepted this attitude and kissed her back. This was what he wanted. Could it be any more simple? He winced softly as Noel bit his lip, but he was happy to reciprocate her rough advances. It was better than nothing, right?_

_As he melted under her touch, he didn't notice that Noel had led him away from the door. It wasn't until she removed herself that Anders realized what she had done. Quickly, Noel moved away from him and went from her door. She opened it and ran inside, slamming the door behind her._

_Stunned by this event, Anders just stared at the door with wide and confused eyes. He slowly closed them as he leaned against the wall. _

_"Idiot," He muttered to himself, "You should have let it go. You've been rejected by girls before. Amell, Surana..." Standing there, feeling sorry for himself, it was a small quiet sound that took him out of his sadness. Opening his eyes, he looked down to see Ser Pounce-A-Lot looking up at him. The tabby meowed innocently before he scratched Anders's shoes, begging for attention._

_Anders couldn't help but smile before he bent down and scratched behind the kitten's ears, "Women, huh, kitty?" Ser Pounce-A-Lot started to purr as he moved his head under Anders's hand, guiding where he wanted to be scratched. Anders bent down and picked him up, "I'll never understand them...And they'll never understand me." Ser Pounce-A-Lot, confused by the actions of his master and the lady that he spoke so highly of, meowed as curled into Anders's hold._

_"Come, let's go to bed and we'll forget about that silly elf," Anders cooed as he went to his room._

* * *

It took Anders six months to "forget about that silly elf".

Walking through Hightown late at night was always dangerous. Especially if you were alone. There were gangs hiding around every corner. No matter what you were wearing or what you looked like, you were deemed an easy target. They say that there was safety in numbers, be it an illusion or not. Hawke had killed off most of the trouble makers, but the lesser known criminals still hid in the shadows. It was unwise to walk through any part of Kirkwall alone at night.

Which was why when Anders heard the pleas of help that he was not surprised.

"Help! Someone!" was the cries that beckoned Anders to look down an alleyway between two manors.

When he stepped into the shady alleyway, he found himself tripping over something. After almost falling, he looked down to see that it was a staff. With wide eyes, he recognized that staff instantly. He knew exactly who it belonged to. And he began to identify the cries with a familiar voice.

_Merrill!_

Anders looked up and he saw Merrill surrounded by at least twelve men. She was backed up against the wall with a look of terror and exhaustion in her face. She was drained of mana, that much was clear.

It didn't take long for Anders to tap Justice into his system and send a chain of lightening into the twelve men. Shrieks of shock and pain came from the men. A few fell down at once. The rest turned their attention to Anders and ran towards him.

"You have got to be kidding me," Anders muttered. Could he not have one moment to simply breathe?

With a simple incantation, he waved his staff, sending fire to the remaining men. They were burnt and killed within seconds of contact. As their bodies fell to the floor, Anders stepped over them as he went to Merrill.

Merrill was leaning against the wall, shaking and crying. As Anders got closer, he saw what he feared the most. Her robes were torn, much like his own robes were torn from Hawke's attack. There were bruises on her neck and on her wrist.

"Are you okay?" Anders asked her as he took her hands, "Did they touch you?"

Mute, she just shook her head before she continued to cry. Anders was relieved at this. He didn't really like Merrill, but he would still kill any man that would force themselves on the sweet, naive girl. Anders saw the tears were rolling down her tattoos. She looked up at Anders and collapsed into his arms, still sobbing.

"Damn it, Merrill," he sighed as he helped Merrill up. He bent down, "Get on my back. I'll take you home."

Hesitantly, Merrill wrapped her arms around Anders's neck and pulled herself up. She wrapped her legs around his waist and held him tightly. If the situation was not so somber, there might have been humor found in this. Anders picked up Merrill's staff and held it along with his as he walked out of the alleyway.

Anders then began the lecture, "For Maker's sake, what were you doing here? Don't you know how dangerous-"

"I was leaving Fenris's," Merrill mumbled as she looked down.

He rolled his eyes at that, "At this time of night? What were you doing there so late?"

Merrill told him, "I had walked to his home with him at sundown. We just lost track of time..."

"You should have asked him to let you stay the night," Anders said, sighing with irritation.

"I did," Merrill said. Her lower lip wavered as she started to cry again, "He...he...wouldn't let me. And he got really...really angry. He thought I was propositioning him when I asked. He kicked me out and told me never to show my face again. I was really upset and I took a wrong turn. And then...Oh thank you, Anders. Thank you..." She buried her face into his neck and Anders could feel the wetness of her tears.

Anders sighed, not knowing what to say to her, "Let me take you back to Hawke's..." He went down the street and walked in the direction of the Hawke Estate. There was too much risk to go to his clinic. After a few moments of awkward silence, Anders said, "I'm sorry that he did that to you...I know that it hurt...I understand..." And he was not lying when he said this.

Merrill whimpered, "I wish that I could be better for him...He's just so brave and smart and he does have a soft side. It's just that I provoke him and I make him angry."

"Don't take up for him," Anders told her as he approached Hawke's door. With a gentle motion, he allowed Merrill to slid down. "Merrill, if he really cared about you, he would have let you stayed...And honestly," he looked at her with serious eyes, "If he did love you, he would tell you. He wouldn't hide your relationship like it was something dirty and immoral."

The Dalish elf just looked down, a look of sadness crossing her face. Pity in his heart, Anders opened the door to the Hawke Estate before he helped Merrill in.


	11. Memory

Hawke was not in the first floor of the mansion. Rather she was in her room. The red haired warrior was sitting on her bed, as she always did when she was in a self-pitying mood. She was staring into the flames of her fireplace. The way they licked each other in their endless dance soothed Hawke's weary mind. Her hair was barely dry and uncombed giving it a messy nest like appearance. She knew it would be a pain to brush the locks out later, but she couldn't summon the strength. She couldn't sleep either. Each time she lied down she was assaulted with memories of Anders...And of her first time...

But why did these images decided to come up now? Why did they cloud her mind, her judgment, her impulses? What made her thrown herself at Anders like she was a rabid animal? Why did she have to mess everything up?

"Maker...Anders is never going to forgive me," Hawke said as she ran her hand through her tangled hair, "Damn it...I'll be lucky if he even speaks to me again." She winced as she felt her hair pull as her fingers moved out. With a heavy sigh, she fell back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Oh, if her head fell back on Anders's chest instead of a pillow...

* * *

_It wasn't long after entering Lothering that Hawke found herself separated from Carver. Yelling, Hawke searched for her brother. She ran through the chaos, slicing darkspawn on her way to find her brother. But Carver was nowhere to be found. She encountered a few refugees, but most were running as she was. She did not slow her pace as she passed the burning buildings. It was only when she saw a group of darkspawn attack a family that she stopped._

_Genlocks were forcing themselves into a building. Hawke could hear the terrified shrieks of children. Hawke stopped short and quickly changed directions. She drew her sword and ran into the building. Blinded by adrenaline, she made quick work of the darkspawn. She quickly looked over the children, two terrified young girls. They were shaking and crying, but unharmed. Their mother, who Hawke finally saw, ran to them. She bent down and hugged her children tightly. Hawke smiled at this scene and went to turn to leave. But as the mother looked up to thank her hero, their eyes locked._

_Hawke knew the mother. She knew her as her lover's wife. The mother knew Hawke. She knew her as her husband's whore. _

_Seeing this connection, Hawke foolishly asked, "Is Edward okay?" She tried to snatch back the words. But they were gone. They touched the wife's ears._

_With narrowed eyes, the mother slowly raised herself, holding her daughters' hands tightly. She stared at Hawke, "None of your concern..."_

_"Tell me," Hawke said, feeling her infatuation with Edward take control of her. She started to feel panic. "Where is he?"_

_"You have no right to know either way, child," she replied. The way she spoke the word 'child' sent a range of emotions through the rattled Hawke. And with that statement, the woman collected her children and went to leave the building._

_"Wait!" Hawke called out as she followed them, "Let me help you out. Those darkspawn will kill you if-"_

_Cut off instantly with the remark "I'll take my chances," Hawke only stood and watched as they walked away from her._

_Blinking her eyes, Hawke went to turn around when she saw someone stumble out of the building. They gripped their hand on the opened door as they straightened their body and moved forward. With a jumpy heart, Hawke felt relief and happiness go through her body._

_"Edward!" she yelled as she went back to the building and instantly embraced the older man. Edward, whose arm was almost torn off by a genlock, hissed in pain and surprise. Hawke pulled away from him, ignoring the stench of blood, and stared up at him with a smile, "Oh, I thought that you were dead..." _

_"I thought you were in Ostagar. What are you doing here, Virginia?" Edward asked, more shocked than relief. He looked passed her and worry crossed his eyes, "Have you seen my girls? My wife?"_

_Hawke ignored that tone in his voice as she looked at the man she worshipped, "It doesn't matter anymore. Carver can protect the family. You need me. I'll protect you."_

_"Virginia, what are you talking about?" Edward asked. He didn't want to deal with the girl right now. Not when there were pressing issues._

_She frowned before she prompted him, "Remember what you said? That if you had the opportunity, you would take me away and start over. This is our chance. Everyone can think we're dead and we can run away to anywhere."_

_Edward looked down at the young woman and told her, irritated with the situation, "That is not happening. I have to find my family."_

_"Your family?" Hawke questioned, "I can be your family. Just you and me. You..." She laughed, awkwardly, "You said that you wanted to start a family with me. You said you didn't want your wife. You...you want me..." _

_With a harsh sigh, he spoke to Hawke like she was child he did not have time for, "Surely you did not think I meant those things. I told them to you so you would lie with me."_

_These words went through Hawke's armor and into her heart like a poisoned arrow. She physically whimpered before she shook her head, "No...No, you don't mean that..." _

_He pushed her to the side as he went passed her. He didn't even look at her as he went to walk away._

_"No...no...no..." Hawke whispered as she started to shake. Her desperation took control of her body. She went after him, grabbing his shoulder, "Edward!" Tears stung her eyes and the slightest bit of hope rose in her body as Edward turned to face her._

_But there was not one word of love given by the man. He said, simply, "Look, Virginia. I don't have time for this. I need to find my family."_

_Eager, Hawke asked, "Just-just to see if they are okay, right? Then we'll go away together."_

_The reply snapped back at once, "No!" He shouted. He continued, "I lied to you. It's as simple as that."_

_Hawke's mouth slowly opened as she looked at him, "Edward...you don't mean that...I love you."_

_Edward turned away once more, "I don't love you, Hawke. You were a toy, a distraction, a fun time when I was bored." He walked away. Seeing that Hawke was not going to follow him, Edward went into a run as he looked for his wife and daughters._

_She didn't know how long she stood there. When she finally snapped back to reality, Carver was yelling her name. Turning, Hawke saw her younger brother with Bethany and her mother. She blinked her eyes and ran over to her family._

_Faced with death and violence and protecting her family, all she could do was worry about Edward. Worry about the man that never even thought about her after that day..._

* * *

"Idiot," Hawke said as she grabbed a vase off her end table and threw it at the wall. She jumped slightly as the vase shattered into a hundred pieces. She let out a gasp as she felt her eyes fill up with tears. She wiped them away before she got off the bed. She went over to the wall and bent down to pick up the glass pieces.

As she picked one up, she looked into the reflection that was caught in the light. She stared at herself. Her red eyes, her paling skin, her tangled hair. She looked like an ugly mess. Hawke sighed, feeling the tears drip out of her eyes and down her cheek.

And now she had nothing. Sebastian would never allow her to express her love. He would never touch her, make her feel special, make her feel good...She would never experience the 'love' in love-making. All she had left were tainted memories of being used in a barn, the woods, and in her lover's wife's bed.

But no...she had more than that...

Anders...

He made her happy. He seemed sincere in his affection. He cared for her. When he was with her, Hawke started to believe what they were doing actually meant something.

But it couldn't mean anything. There was Sebastian to think of.

And what would Anders want with a second hand girl?

He had better things to do than to waste his time with her.

"Then why is he here?" Hawke asked. This was too much, too fast. These were memories she had put to rest. Sebastian knew nothing of what she had done before. He didn't know that she consorted with an adulterer.

And Maker knows what would happen if he found out.

Panic went through her body as she started to think. What if he did find out? Would he cast her away? Anders was one thing, but he gave her permission. Sebastian would not settle for a stupid girl that lost her virginity in a haystack. He was better than that. He was good. He was too good. Too good for her.

And then...she would have no one. She would be all alone.

That thought terrified her to no end.

Within the moment, she looked back down at the glass she still held in her hand. With a slow motion she put the glass on her wrist. She hiccupped softly as she felt the tears really come down. She closed her eyes and started to press the glass.

"No," Hawke finally said as she opened her eyes and pulled the glass away. "Suicide's a sin...Suicide's the easy way out...There are things worse than being alone..."

It was then that the door was knocked on.

"Hawke."

She jumped. She knew that voice.

"It's Anders, can I come in?"


	12. Broken Glass

Hawke slowly stood up, trying to figure out Anders's mood. He didn't seem angry with her, but he didn't sound happy with her either. Realizing he was asking to come into her room, she quickly answered, "Yes, come in." She stepped back from the glass, not wanting to hurt herself by accidentally stepping on it. She glanced over at the door and she watched it open. A look of surprise crossed her face as she looked at who was standing by Anders's side.

"Merrill?" she questioned as the elf and human walked into her room.

The shy girl looked up at Hawke and tried to smile at her. It looked like it hurt her to do this simple thing. "Hello, Hawke." Her eyes were blinking slowly and they were bloodshot. She looked like she was tired and just trying her best not to fall flat on the floor.

Anders quickly explained the situation, "I found her being attacked. I brought her back here so I could heal her. Is it okay if she spends the night? Or at least until dawn?"

Hawke nodded, "Of course she can." She looked at Merrill, concerned, "Are you okay? What happened?"

"She should get to bed," Anders said, not letting Merrill answer. He looked at the elf and pointed over to the spare bedroom, "You should sleep. You look like you're going to pass out on your feet."

With a yawn, Merrill nodded as she slowly moved over into the bedroom. She mumbled a word of thanks and a word of goodnight.

"What happened to her?" Hawke asked again.

Anders walked into her room. He sighed as he crossed his arms and looked into the fireplace, "From what she told me, she was leaving Fenris's when she was attacked and almost raped. Exhausted, she was no match for those thugs."

"Damn…" Hawke whispered as she sat back on her bed. She frowned as she thought over what was said, "Aren't Fenris and Merrill…" she trailed off on her question, not sure if Anders knew about the relationship between the two elves.

"Maker knows what sort of twisted relationship he's forcing on her," Anders sighed, "He'll probably find a way to make this her fault."

Hawke frowned at this, "You don't give Fenris enough credit. I think he does care about her.

"Yes," Anders said, sarcastically, "He cares about Merrill so much that he keeps their relationship a sacred secret. He cares about Merrill so much that he kicks her out of his house and makes her walk in a dangerous city alone at night." His words started to get angry as he put his hand on the mantle, "If Fenris cares about her, he wouldn't led her on like this. He's breaking her heart, you can see that can't you?" He turned to Hawke and he asked her, "You can see it, can't you? That you're-I mean, that Fenris is breaking Merrill's heart."

_Anders, calm down…Stop confusing the two…_

There was an awkward pause between the two. A small yawn from Hawke was what finally broke the silence. After this, she turned to Anders and bit her lower lip, "I…I'm sorry about what I did earlier. I really don't know what came over me." She pulled herself back on the bed and crossed her legs, "I understand if you want to leave."

Against all sense of better judgment, Anders shook his head, "No. I made an agreement with you. Besides, it's only one more day." As soon as the words went out of his mouth, he scolded himself for that word choice. Maker he sounded like he wanted to get it over with. When the truth of the matter was that he would treasure the last couple times he would be with Hawke.

"One more day?" Hawke questioned. She sighed, "I thought there would be more time…" She wasn't really speaking to Anders when she said this.

She should be happy. One more day and she would be back to reality. She would be in the reality where she would be the wife of the man she loved.

_You love Sebastian. You love Sebastian. He's good to you, he loves you…_

"Midday is when I go to the Chantry to try on my wedding dress," Hawke said. She tried to smile. Is that not what a bride does when talking about her wedding dress? Smile? "I'll bring Merrill with me. Maybe that will take her mind off what happened."

With a slow nod, Anders agreed with her, "Yes. She's always been interested in your wedding." There was something off about his voice. He turned to her and he told her, "You better get some sleep. It's almost morning and you haven't slept, have you?"

Hawke nodded, "I should sleep. I don't want to have dark eyes for the wedding." She tried to smile again. This wasn't working. She watched as Anders turned around and went to leave. She had a wonder. And the wonder turned into an idea. She took a quick breath and asked, "Since Merrill is in your bed, do you…do you want to sleep in mine with me?"

Anders stopped in front of the door, staring at the wooden portal. He didn't answer at first. He just closed his eyes and chuckled.

_Hawke…Oh Hawke…You are the siren to my boat…You will be the death of me…_

"What about what you said?" Anders asked as he turned around. "That it was too intimate? That Sebastian wouldn't approve?"

Anders's catty questions made Hawke's stomach squirm uncomfortably. How could she tell him that she really didn't care if Sebastian approved or not?

She just told him as she got off the bed, "What Sebastian does not know will not kill him. Besides, it doesn't mean anything. We're close friends. Does everything have to be sexual?" She took the blankets and pulled them pack revealing the silk sheets. She heard soft footsteps and she felt Anders put his hand on her shoulder. She turned and looked up to him.

Their eyes met and Hawke felt something inside her stir. She finally smiled without trying. She got into the bed and slid over so Anders would have room. She watched as he slipped off his robes and put them in her wardrobe. He was only wearing a pair of soft trousers when he got into Hawke's bed. By the time he did so, Hawke was slowly falling asleep.

"Good night, Hawke," Anders told her, trying to keep himself from putting his arms around her.

Hawke was too tired to respond. Instead she ran her hand through the bed and found Anders's own hand. She put it on top of his and entwined the fingers before she squeezed.

And into the Fade they went…

* * *

_"Please, no, don't do this," Hawke was begging. She tried to get away but she couldn't. There were four sisters of the Chantry to force her down. One for each limb. They forced her down on the table. The frail sisters were able to keep the strong Hawke down and they kept their grip on her flailing legs and arms. Hawke was completely naked and exposed for all to see._

_"I'm sorry, Hawke, but I can't trust you," Sebastian's voice echoed. He approached her and said, softly, "How do I know that you won't go after Anders now that we're married? How do I know that you won't indulge yourself with such carnal sin."_

_"I won't! I promise! Just don't do this! Please, Sebastian!" Hawke screamed as she continued her fit._

_Sebastian just shook his head as he took one of his knives off his belt, "When I was a very young boy, I used to suck my thumb terribly. Father saw this as a sign of weakness so he would coat my thumb with poison. If I sucked it, I would get very sick. My stomach would rebel against me, I had a terrible fever. For a three year old, it was the most painful and terrifying experience I had ever faced. I eventually had to break the habit."_

_Hawke knew this story. Sebastian had told her this many weeks ago._

_"So, if something becomes painful for you, you won't do it," Sebastian told her as he walked down to the other side of the table where the two sisters were keeping Hawke's legs down._

_"You don't have to do this," Hawke told him. "Please don't do this, Sebastian. Why are you doing this?" She was crying at this point._

_The brother told her, looking at her with his beautiful eyes, "I'm doing this because you can't control yourself, Hawke. I'm doing this because I don't want the Maker to punish you. I'm doing this because you are a whore and you require repentance. I'm doing this because I love you."_

_He kept the knife steady as he looked at her, "And quite frankly Hawke, you should be thanking me…"_

_Hawke screwed her eyes shut as she waited for what would happen. It then came. Sebastian forced the knife inside her at a sudden and deep moment. A high-pitched scream came from Hawke as she started to see white. The pain ran through each nerve in her body as the delicate organ was abused horribly._

_Sebastian continued his work on Hawke, completely and utterly ignoring her cries. His only words were prayers to the Maker, telling Him that he was grateful for this perfect bride._

* * *

Hawke whimpered as she woke from her nightmare. She started to realize that she was in the fetal position and she was crying. She heard something behind her stir. She then felt someone move close behind her. She felt the warmth of a loving body and something holding her close to it. Strong arms pulled her close to the body. Relief ran through her body as she felt a sudden wave of safety.

She then heard whispering.

"Shush…don't cry now, Hawke…Don't worry…I'm here…Please don't cry…" was what Anders told her as he continued to tell her kind words.

He didn't know what had made Hawke so upset, but as soon as he heard those whimpers, he felt his heart race. His protective mode activated and he went to comfort her at once. As he wrapped his arms around her, her crying slowly calmed down.

The two lied in their embrace. The only sound was the quieting cries and Anders whispering to her.

It was only when Anders heard Hawke fall back into sleep that his heart rate slowed. At least she was at peace again. Perhaps he would ask her what it was she dreamed about tomorrow.

Even though Hawke was asleep, Anders kept holding her. It felt so right to have her in his arms. He felt as if this was the position that he was meant to be in.

"_If things were different," Noel's voice echoed in his mind._

He hated that word. If. If was a dirty trickster whore who tempted him with what he could not have. If showed him a different reality. If led him to believe in fairy tales. A world with free mages and with Hawke as his bride.

Maybe…No, he shouldn't presume…Life never worked out for him…He didn't deserve happiness. Telling Hawke how he felt would be a waste of breath. She would laugh in his face and go into the arms of her perfect choirboy. That was the best-case scenario…

But for now, Anders was fine with this. This moment with Hawke was something he wouldn't trade the world for. Maybe he could tell her that.

* * *

Please review. Thank you very much for reading and for all the adds to favorites.


	13. The Wedding Dress Incident

When morning came, no one spoke of what occurred the night before. Instead, Merrill, Hawke, and Anders sat at a table and ate their breakfast. Merrill appeared happier than before. She acted as if the night before had not happen. Perhaps that might have been for the best. She rambled aimlessly as the humans nibbled on pastries and breakfast meats. Hawke would talk with Merrill, but she kept her attention away from Anders. For the most part, Anders kept quiet. He stared down at his plate, moving food from one side of the china to the next. He didn't ask Hawke about her nightmare and Hawke did not question why she woke up in his arms.

"Oh, Hawke," Merrill said, her voice sparkling, "I was wondering if you want me to come with you to the Chantry. I would love to help you into your dress. I really want to see it. Please, I promise I won't be a bother." She smiled at Hawke adorably. Her eyes widened as she stared at Hawke with those sweet kitten eyes. No one could say no to those eyes. Sometimes Hawke wished she had eyes like Merrill.

"Sure. I would love for you to come," Hawke told her, smiling. Merrill was a wonderful friend. Perhaps if the elf accompanied her, she wouldn't feel so terrible. And she needed a buffer if things would be awkward between her and Sebastian. She had not seen her fiancée since the day he came over and told her his offer. She had not miss him as much as she thought she did. Then again, she had been rather preoccupied with what was going on in the manor. And it was not the first time she had been separated from Sebastian. There were times when she would spend days away on missions or quests. But before, those times bothered her. She wasn't bothered now.

"Oh good. I would love to see the dress," Merrill squealed happily. She finished this sentence with a set of claps as she felt her excitement rose. This would be the first human bonding she participated in. So, yes, she was extremely happy about the situation.

The bride to be chuckled softly before she told her, "Truth be told, I have not seen the dress either." That was one of the reasons that she was eager to get to the Chantry and try her dress on. She too excited for words.

This time, Anders was the one to speak and contribute to the conversation. "I thought that you and Sebastian went to Orlais to look for a wedding dress," Anders said, keeping his eyes to the barely eaten meal that sat on his plate.

"We did," Hawke said, remembering the trip with no fondness in her voice, "But Sebastian wouldn't let me get what I wanted." When she realized she was frowning and Anders was looking at her disapprovingly, she forced a smile, "He said the dresses were too wasteful, too extravagant. He said I was suited for something nice and simple. So, when we returned here, he said he would take care of my wedding dress."

Anders raised an eyebrow at that before he tore a piece off his cinnamon bun. He put the sweet treat into his mouth and said nothing to Hawke. It was difficult for him to swallow and he almost choked as he forced it down his throat.

Unsure of why she felt upset about Anders's disapproval and she tried to make her case. "I mean," Hawke said, beginning to ramble on, "I am only going to wear the dress once and it will end up in my wardrobe. It would be a waste. Sebastian is right. I mean, there are starving orphans in Darktown and I wanted to fuss about a dress. How selfish of me...I should be happy with what I have. So what if I did not get what I want. It is not that big a deal. As long as I get my sleeveless dress, I am fine with what I get."

The mage was not swayed by Hawke's argument. He could see right through her and her words. Anders asked as he tore another piece off the cinnamon bun, "Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?"

"I am not trying to convince anyone of anything," Hawke snapped back, impatiently.

Merrill sat there, feeling uncomfortable. She did not know what to say. She was not used to seeing Hawke and Anders act like this. They were never cross with one another. There was never this amount of tension in their voices. It was strange to here. As she sat there in her silence, her mind began to wonder to Fenris. Seeing his face in her head only caused Merrill to have a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach. It didn't feel nice at all. She fought to push the man out of her mind, but it was useless. "If you would excuse me," Merrill mumbled as she stood up from the table. She grabbed her plate and went to drop it off in the kitchen.

"This is the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with? The man that won't even let you have a high-quality wedding dress?" Anders asked as he looked at Hawke. "If he's going to put you in a sham of a marriage, he might as well make the wedding enjoyable."

"It's just a dress," Hawke muttered as she looked down at the table.

Anders rolled his eyes as he went to get up from the table.

Suddenly, Hawke grabbed his wrist. She looked down at his fingers. They were still sticky from the coating of the cinnamon bun. She pulled his hand towards her and readjusted her hold. She then planted her lips on his fingers. With a slow motion, her tongue slipped out of her mouth. It ran over his fingers, taking in the sweet treat. The only way she knew how to deal with an irritated man was to offer herself to him.

"Hawke..." Anders groaned, aggravated at first. But when he turned to her, he saw the soft look in her eyes. His fingers started to tingle as he felt the warmth of her tongue. Oh Maker, if he could...He forced himself to pull his hand away.

"No," Anders told her firmly as if she was a disobedient pet. Seeing her stunned expression, Anders said, shortly, "I have the right to say no. Don't I?"

The quiet was almost deafening. Anders asked, his annoyance with her growing stronger, "I don't, do I? I don't have the right to say no. Is that what I am to you? A slave to serve as a Sebastian substitute?"

She quivered, "No, Anders, that's not-"

"Then tell me this," Anders said as he placed his hands on the table and leaned down. His nose was almost touching Hawke's. She wanted to look away from his accusing stare. Anders asked her, "Why did you pick me? Why didn't you just go down to the Blooming Rose?" As Hawke's mouth opened, Anders said, quickly, "And don't tell me that you were scared of getting a disease. You know I would have fixed you up." He stared in closer, "Why me? Was it because you were too cheap? Or was it too out of your way? Or was it because none of them were your type? Come on, tell me what made me different from the whores?"

Hawke bit her lower lip as her mind went back to that day. Why did she pick Anders? Hawke remembered what she told herself on that day. Maybe that line of reasoning would be good enough for him. "I told myself that morning," Hawke said, "That the first man that walked through my bedroom door was the man I was going to pick." After hearing those words, Hawke fought to take them back. It was too little, too late.

Anders did not yell out in anger and disgust like Hawke thought he would. Instead, Anders's eyes went blank as he pulled away from her. "So..." he said, absolutely void of emotion, "I was just at the right place at the right time, was I?" The way he was talking scared Hawke. He sounded like he was Tranquil. "I was just convenient, was I?" Anders asked. "Any other man would have done the trick for you, would it?"

"I didn't mean it like that," Hawke said as she watched him pull away from her. "Anders," she called as she watched the mage turn away. Anders did not answer her. He walked out of the room without another word, slamming the door behind him.

When she thought Anders was out of earshot, Hawke whimpered as she pulled her knees up. She wobbled as she tried to find her balance on the chair. "You're handsome, you're smart," Hawke went on as she stared down at her lap.

When Anders slammed the door, he went to go upstairs. However, he heard the sound of Hawke talking in the other room. Curious, he walked back to the wall and pressed his ear against it as he tried to listen in.

"You're passionate, you're caring, you're protective, you're ambitious. You're my best friend. You're the only one I completely trust with everything. I could tell you anything and I know you would not turn from me." Hawke hiccupped as she felt a sob, "And when you're with me, I feel like you do care about me. I feel like this isn't just sex for you…" She pounded her fist on the table, making the silverware shatter, "And Maker help me for saying this, but I wished I didn't accept Sebastian's damn proposal, because I think I'm falling for you." She finished this with an audible sob as she grabbed her plate and threw it against the wall.

And with that, Anders took his ear off the wall and backed away, in complete shock over what he had heard. Not a word came out of his open mouth as he did the only sensible thing to do for a man in his position.

He ran.

* * *

"Hawke, are you sure you are okay?" Merrill asked as she and Hawke left the mansion an hour later.

The warrior turned to Merrill and flashed a smile, "I'm fine. I'm just nervous. That's all." She quickly changed the conversation, "I'm sorry about what happened with Fenris. What are you two going to do now?" She couldn't think about Anders. She had to get her mind off this.

Merrill frowned before she looked down at the stone path they were walking on. "I heard him correctly. He didn't want to see me again." She put her hand to her eyes and she wiped away the baby tears that threatened to flow. "I should have seen this coming. This was just another stupid decision I made."

"No," Hawke said at once as she stopped suddenly. She grabbed Merrill's shoulders and looked down at the shorter girl, "This was not your decision. Being with someone is never stupid. If he wants to ruin what you two had, that's his own problem. It's not your fault." She then took her hands off the girl and continued on their way as if the pep talk never happened.

Maybe this is a human thing…

"Remind me," Hawke started as they continued their walk, "That I need to the Gallows after this."

"Oh?" Merrill asked.

Hawke said, lightly, "I think my letters to the Circle must have been lost or something. I've writing to them about letting Bethany come to the wedding. I haven't gotten a response, though."

Merrill frowned before she asked, "But doesn't Meredith have the Circle on lock down for this month?"

"Yes. That's why I intend to use my award winning personality to win her over," Hawke said, "Besides, I killed those apostates. She owes me."

Merrill shrugged, figuring that if Hawke was not too worried about it, she would end up getting her way with Meredith. Hawke had the uncanny ability to get she wanted out of a situation. It was one of the things that the elf admired about her.

When they entered the Chantry, the Grand Cleric greeted them. Elthina smiled as she made her way to the girls. "Hello Hawke," she said, sweetly. She turned to Merrill and nodded, "And good morning to you, Merrill."

Merrill smiled as she bowed. She was respectful to this woman. For she knew that she would want a human to show the same respect to a Keeper.

"I've prepared a room for you," Elthina said as she beckoned the two to follow her, "Sebastian is very excited about seeing you in the dress. I'll go tell him that you are here."

After getting into the room, Hawke say the wedding dress on a mannequin in the middle of the bare room.

"Oh, it's pretty," Merrill cooed as she went over to it.

It was pretty. It was a simple white dress that was long in length. The sleeves were also long and would be nice and tight around her arms.

"I didn't want sleeves," Hawke muttered as she looked at the dress, "I told Sebastian that I wanted a sleeveless dress." She sighed as she went to take off her clothes, wondering why that detail irritated her.

_It was the only thing I wanted…Sebastian, that was the only thing I asked of you…_

* * *

"How do I look?" Hawke sighed as Merrill finished helping her into the dress.

Merrill smiled as she stepped back and looked over Hawke, "Oh, you're so gorgeous. I wish there was a looking glass in here." Hawke looked down at her dress. The bottom of her dress settled on the floor. It was far too long for her. She didn't like that. She felt as if she would move, she would trip over the material.

She heard the sound of a door opening. She turned to see Sebastian walk in.

When their eyes locked, Hawke felt her heart trying to burst out of her chest.

"Hawke…" Sebastian said, his voice full of awe, "You're beautiful." He walked over to her and smiled at his bride. He took her hand and kissed it, "How have you been, my love?"

"F-fine," Hawke stuttered as she accepted the kiss.

_How can he act so calm? So collected? He knows what I have been doing...Is he not angry? Is he not jealous? _

_Does he not care?_


	14. Enter Doubt

_Warning: Tiny Mark Of The Assassin Spoilers_

* * *

"Merrill, if you would be so kind, I would like to speak to Hawke alone," Sebastian said, politely. The glint in his eyes warned Hawke that there was something important to be said. She started to feel anxious about this. She started to suspect that the way he spoke to her moments earlier was only a mere formality before a witness. That caused a bit of hope to well up in Hawke's heart. If he was jealous, he would be upset. And that would be an indicator of his love for her. Foolishly, she smiled as she started to think about all the scenarios that could come out of this. Perhaps he would tell her how crazy he had been to let another man have what was his, that it wasn't worth it and he would be with her the way she wanted him to, yada yada yada…And they'd make passionate love in the wedding dress she didn't want.

Hawke thought that that visualization would bring a smile to her face and a tingling in her body. But it didn't. Something about that image didn't feel right. The image slowly turned. She was wearing a sleeveless dress. She had a beautiful white rose tucked behind her left ear. Maker, she looked like a princess…And it wasn't Sebastian thrusting in her with the passion she desired. It was Anders.

The conversational voices of the current discussion snapped Hawke out of her daydream. "Oh, of course. You two probably want time alone," Merrill said, giving a smile to Sebastian. She curtsied slightly before she left the room. Hawke noticed that the skip in her step was absent from her usual walk. She shook her head. Maker knows what was going to happen to her and Fenris...

Sebastian did not even wait for Merrill to shut the door before he questioned Hawke in a no-nonsense manner, "So, tell me Hawke, who is the man that left his scent all over you?" The trace of anger in his voice was dilute, but intense enough to make Hawke's heart jump. The way he said 'scent' made Hawke think of how dirty her actions were. Sebastian never failed to do that to her.

Hawke felt her blush intensify as she looked away from his accusatory gaze. She shuffled her feet before she looked up to face Sebastian, "Do you really want to know? What use is it to you?" She tried to laugh this off. He wouldn't be pleased when he found out the answer. Hawke was sure of that. Of all the men she could have picked, she picked Anders. Anders who didn't like Sebastian and vice versa.

"Yes," he said, his voice short and stern. Hawke had never seen Sebastian cross with her. She had seen him scowl when he witnessed Hawke helping apostates, but he directed his anger to Anders. He said that the mage was the one leading her astray from the righteous path. Hawke used to be timid about expressing her views about mages. However as the incidents became more frequent, she would defend mages and spout her philosophy about their relationship with the Maker. And when Hawke quoted straight from Anders's manifesto, she thought that Sebastian was going to slap her across her face.

That fact of Sebastian's opposition with Anders was all the more reason why Hawke didn't want to tell Sebastian about her lover's identity (Lover? She questioned, almost frantic in her thoughts). Hawke even considered lying so Sebastian wouldn't be so angry. But she couldn't lie to Sebastian. He would see right through it. "Anders," Hawke said, after a moment, "It's Anders."

"The apostate?" Sebastian questions as if there were any other 'Anders' that Hawke knew. With a nod confirming his question, Sebastian let out a long sigh before he shook his head at Hawke. The way he shook his head at her reminded Hawke of how her mother would shake her head at her children when they did something wrong. That connection made Hawke feel sick to her stomach.

The silence in the room lasted a few minutes before Sebastian broke it. With a shuddering breath, he turned his head and looked to Hawke. His eyes showed so much disappointment. Hawke could barely swallow. Sebastian cleared his throat before asking, dispassionately, "Do you like the dress, love?" He put on a smile to hide his real thoughts that were swimming around in his head.

Hawke sighed heavily. What use would it be to say anything? He wouldn't do anything about it but scold her for being selfish and picky. And she didn't really need that right now. "Yes, I love it," Hawke said, forcing a smile on her face. Yes, she should be appreciative that her groom got her a wedding dress at all. Even if he completely ignored her one request. She should be eternally grateful for him.

"Good. I'm glad that you like it. I knew you wanted one without sleeves, but I thought you would look better in this," Sebastian said as he put his hand on her shoulder. He ran his hand down the laced sleeves, "I see I was right…You look stunning. You are going to be the most beautiful bride, Hawke." He took her hand and kissed it gently before he moved up to her wrist. He let go of the hand and straightened up.

Hawke said nothing to these compliments. She felt that they meant little to her. She sighed before he looked down at her wringing hands. Maker, she would give a hundred sovereigns to be anywhere but here. Hunting wyverns in Orlais with the elven assassin, Tallis, was a cakewalk to this. At least there, she had some fun and control over the situation. And she got a belt out of the deal.

Sebastian asked, after a short pause, "So, Anders…He was the one to..." His voice choked. He cleared his throat before he asked her, "The mage has you treated you well, Hawke?" His eyes burned with the thought of Anders treating her as some lifeless ragdoll to use as he wanted. To think of the mage defiling her with wicked perversion...If he was treating her that way...If that were true...

Without a single moment's hesitation, Hawke answered his question, "Yes, he has. He's been extremely good to me," she said to her groom, smiling tenderly. Seeing that Hawke's words were true, Sebastian sighed in relief. At least Anders was decent according to her testimony. Sebastian was slightly relieved by this information. But only slightly. "Anders has been a real gentleman," Hawke continued.

Hearing the world 'gentleman' sparked Sebastian's interest. The archer raised a dark brown eyebrow. "Oh really? Most gentlemen usually don't involve themselves with such carnal activity. I never knew a rightful gentleman that found himself sleeping with another man's betrothed."

Red colored her cheeks as Hawke looked away from him, ashamed. Maybe Anders was right. She should have gone with a whore...She would have received the same amount of shame. With a bitter thought, she thought that if she had gone after a prostitute, Sebastian would resort to the old laws and have her stoned in the middle of Hightown. Maker knows that he would do something like that.

Thinking of this vision brought Hawke back to the dream she had last night. Her body tensed at the memory. It seemed so real…Yet she knew that Sebastian would never do a thing like that to her. He was kind and good and he would never, ever hurt her. At least physically. No, he would never, ever-

When he cleared his throat, Hawke put her head back up to see Sebastian looking at her with judgment in his eyes. "So, Anders has been satisfactory? He has met your needs?" he asked, no emotion in his accented voice. He was doing, in his opinion, a good job of covering said emotions in front of Hawke.

If Hawke didn't know better, she would have thought Sebastian was speaking about a tool, not a living being. If there was anything she hated, it was people who thought they were better than others and spoke of them down to them. Hawke hid a scowl before she told him, "Yes. Anders is an excellent partner in the bedroom."

After she said this, Sebastian stared at Hawke with a strange expression in his light eyes. He looked like he had been slapped in the face. With a sigh, Sebastian shook his head before he turned his head away from her. "I had thought that perhaps you would have not gone through with it."

Well, this was not the time to be voicing that opinion. Unsure of how to respond, Hawke decided to just say what she wanted to. "Sebastian, I have needs. I am doing this for us," she told him. "If you didn't want me to do it, you should have never brought it up." She crossed her arms at this, standing her ground.

Blue eyes stared into silver. Sebastian frowned before he told her, "I...Well, it doesn't matter what I think..." He looked off to the other side of the room. He crossed his arms and did not continue speaking. Hawke kept in a groan of irritation. She just tried to be empathetic towards him. It was all she could do at the moment.

"You know," Hawke said, gently, "It does not have to be like this." She walked over to him and she put her hand on his shoulder. Sebastian put his hand on her hand. He rubbed it briefly before he took Hawke's hand off his shoulder.

"I have told you before," Sebastian said, hinting impatience in his voice. "If I broke my vows to be with you, I would not be worthy of you." He turned to her and stared at her, intently. "You understand that don't you?"

Hawke sighed as she nodded, "Of course I understand that, Sebastian." She smiled as she leaned up to Sebastian and gave him a loving kiss on his perfect lips.

_I understand that you believe sex is tawdry. I understand that you believe I'm weak for giving in to lust. I understand that you want me to be like you. Oh, yes, my darling, I completely understand._


End file.
